Self control
by simply-a-freak
Summary: Mello is tired of waiting for Matt to close his computer and hang out with him, he begins to leave but Matt stops him. The blond does something without thinking and runs away, Matt follows him. What happens after?


Stupid, stupid, stupid! For being second at Whammy's I sure am stupid. Why the hell did I do that? What the fuck was I thinking?  
Right. I wasn't fucking thinking!  
Matt's gonna fucking hate me now. Damn, I was hiding it just great for the past six years that I've known him so why now? God, I'm just fucking stupid. The look on his face, oh my god, a look of complete horror and shock, he just stared at me wide eyed; he didn't even pull away, like I paralyzed him. Maybe I did, with my fucking stupidity!  
What's gonna happen now? I've lost my only friend; I can't control my fucking feelings! I love him and that's that.. Although I shouldn't fucking force him to feel the same way, I should have kept my feeling to myself, I should have…looked away.

|||||Flashback|||||

We were sitting in our room; I was done doing my homework, waiting for Matt, who was as usual, glued to one of the various game devices he owns. This time he was focused on the computer.

"Matt come on, leave the damn computer and let's go out." I whined, crossing my arms over my chest and looking over at him.

"Give me a second, Mel." Was the mumbled reply I received.

"You said that _two hours ago._" I reminded him, rolling my eyes.

"Okay okay. This time it's different. It'll take five minutes tops "'Kay?"

"Fine." I huffed, looking away from him.

-Ten minutes later-

"Forget it! I'll go out alone!" I said, standing from my bed and walking to the door.  
"Wait." he said standing up as well.  
"What the fuck am I waiting for? You're too busy with the fucking computer to hang out with me." I snapped in irritation.

"Are you jealous by any chance?" he asked smirking

"Like hell I am!" I practically shouted, taking another step toward the door. He pulled my hand and pushed me on his bed .

"S-stop! M-aaaaaatt ! C – hahaha- ut it O – ut! ahh hah!"

"Who's Matt? I'm the tickling Machine! " His fingers shot out to my side.

I couldn't breathe and Matt seemed to enjoy the sight of me dying by suffocation, soon enough he retreated his ten merciless soldiers and I could breathe again, he didn't get off of me though, he was laughing. "Your face! hahah! It was-hah- priceless!" I hit him on the back of his head "Ow that hurt, Mels!" He whined.

"You deserved it." I said smirking; I reached forward and pulled his goggles down to rest them around his neck." I told you not to wear those things around me." I stated, meeting those green orbs, I couldn't take my eyes off of his, and without even realizing it, I leaned closer to him and pressed my lips to his soft ones. I saw his eyes widen like dinner plates and that's when it hit me, what I was doing. I pulled away, looked at him in the eyes, searching for any signs that he would listen to me. If I tell him I was confused, or he looked like a girl under the room lighting, anything! But I did none of that, I pushed him aside and stormed out of the room.

|||||flashback|||||

And here I am, sitting on a bench next to the oak tree in the garden, I probably won't sleep in my room tonight, nor will I for the next few ..years? I'm such a sick bastard, I know Matt is straight, he's obviously into girls even though he never dated any, and I've been gay since.. well, forever. But I never told him. Why would I want my best friend to run off on me? I better come up with a good excuse, I could blame the hormones, or say he resembled a hot chick I like. Maybe I should say I drank some of Roger's 'hidden' vodka. Or I tried the pills that belonged to the albino sheep. But how would that work? Should I just tell him the truth? I mean, isn't there a saying that says the truth sets you free or something like that? what if he doesn't understand, what if he calls me fag and runs away? Matt wouldn't do that, but he sure will freak out, he's probably crying his eyes out, or trying to forget all this by playing his games.  
Man, I really fucked up this time. I shou-

"Mello?" a voice called me from behind, I turned around and my eyes met Matt's, here it is, the moment of truth.

"Look Matt I'm sor-"

"Why did you do that? Why did you kiss me?"He stepped closer to me.

"Uh .." Where the hell did all the excuses go? Think! Mihael, think!  
I soon gave up on trying, really, my brain doesn't seem to function at the moment, even if I came up with a believable excuse, Matt would see right through it, he's not third at Wammy's for no reason. All I could do was apologize, as long and as many times as it takes. "I'm sorry, that was stupid.."

"For being my best friend for six years you still don't understand me." he stated blankly, stepping closer to me "Was I that obvious? Did you want to take advantage of the feelings I have for you to joke around? Is that all it is for you Mello? Just another game you want to be first at? Was this your plan? Talk to me Mello what the fuck were you thinking when you did that?" he seemed angrier than I've ever seen him, if he wants to beat me up, I'd let him.  
I was asking for it after all. Fuck, I wish he would forgive me after that. It's not exactly known to be a pleasant feeling for the one you love to cut all contact with you, now is it?

"No...What..What are you talking about? Matt it's not like tha-what feelings are you talking about? I just..I didn't mean to hurt you… "

"Then what the hell did you mean Mello?" A voice in the back of my mind just kept repeating _tell him how you feel , he's your friend , he'll understand_ , even though I know it may no longer be the case, I have to confront my feelings, I have to tell him.

"Matt, I'm sorry, I'm the worst friend a guy can have and you put up with me, even though I scream at you, and trash our room, even though I bitch about how Near comes first every time, you just never fucking complained, never told me to shut the fuck up, you live with an angry chocoholic- there I admit it! But you still hang around me, you're still my friend-maybe not after this, but yeah, you've always been there for me, sometimes you even take the blame for my pranks, you cover for me when I sneak out to get chocolate , and sometimes you even do that for me, and I'm... and I'm just being the greedy asshole I am. I'm just wanting more than I can get, so I fucking like you more than just a friend, ever since you came to Wammy's, I've liked you, hell I love you Matt. I'm sorry, I'm just …sorry. I understand completely what you're going to do about this and quite frankly, I don't blame you one bit. Just hope you can forgive me someday—you know full well that this isn't something that happens very often, to me." He looked at me for a few moments, that's when I knew I should take my leave, I looked down and started to walk in the other direction.  
Two arms hugged me from behind, I turned my head around and Matt was grinning from ear to ear like a mad man. I looked at him confused, did he not have a problem with having a gay friend that was crazy in love with him? I guess he noticed the confusion I was feeling because he said "I love you too, Mels." I looked at him, raising an eyebrow, he probably doesn't understand what kind of love I am talking about. I pulled away a little and turn around fully to face him.

"Matt, maybe you didn't understand-"

"Oh, no I did, actually.. " He said placing his arms around my neck and pressing our lips together, it didn't take me long to get over the initial shock as I pulled him closer by wrapping my own arms around his waist, he nibbled on my lower lip asking for entrance which I happily granted, our tongues danced together, as I lived the best moments of my life.  
We parted after a few seconds panting for breath and it took me some time to realize what just happened before I was pulled in another passionate kiss, we forgot that we were in the garden and a few children were staring at us, that is, until we were interrupted by the second most annoying creature on the face of the earth, right after the albino sheep of course, Linda.

"Ew..I knew you too weren't just friends! I'll tell Roger and you'll ne-"

"Don't forget that we still have your stuffed bear hostage." I said smirking.  
I pulled away from Matt but kept an arm wrapped loosely around his waist as we walked away.  
"Shall we continue this in our room?" I questioned, looking at Matt, but making sure it was loud enough for the annoying little bitch to hear.

So maybe it wasn't that bad, the fact that I lost control, I mean. If it wasn't for my pitiful self control, maybe Matt and I would never have confessed to each other.


End file.
